Fergusonian Mechanics - November 2005
Here is an interesting law known to many experts over the years but made public by the discovery in 2002 of a small particle known as a 'holding midfield player' in the England World Cup team. It describes how these tiny objects behave and forms part of the larger theory known as "Fergusonian mechanics", in which some as yet unexplained force influences the long term behaviour of midfield players.

With holding midfield players, it's impossible to say where exactly they are on the pitch or what they're actually doing - all you can do is give them a probability of being in the right place at the right time and being able to stop opposition attacks. Once a holding midfield player is observed it starts to behave differently (ie. play badly).

In Fergusonian mechanics, the problem is that as soon as you try to 'praise' the particle/player, it starts to disappear. So after Pele described Nicky Butt as the best in the world during the 2002 World Cup he gradually began to get smaller and smaller until this season when he vanished completely (ie. moved to Birmingham City).

This equation is related, but not identical, to the Scholesian Law of disappearing deep-lying strikers/attacking midfielders

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This feature first appeared in When Saturday Comes