The Mathematics of Rumours - July 2005
The sun may be shining, but for some unfortunate people, such as the football agent, summer isn't quite such a happy time. The kids' Eton school fees are due, finance is needed for his new boat, he needs to buy expensive watches for everybody he knows, his car needs upgrading, his third house in France needs some renovation work, his pet poodle is demanding plastic surgery and if he doesn't get the latest solid gold suit by Luigi Yamanato he will simply explode with unhappiness!

Agents are the unsung heroes of the game, beavering away in the background to try and sort out deals so that you and I can get the great players we want for our team. And just like those lawyers you see on TV adverts, if the deal doesn't go through the agent won't get paid.

But there is hope. Luckily, the agent can sort it all out for the price of a five minute call on their mobile and a trip down to Oddbins. He rings the sports journalist. The journalist is desparate too - he needs a crate of limited edition Highland malt whisky to get him through until the end of the month and he also needs to fill some of the sports pages with exciting gossip about unsettled players. The agent can give it to him. Once the agent's rumour apppears in the papers it will most likely spark off a tasty bidding war. Everyone is happy. The journo wins an investigative award.

And the poodle gets its nose job.

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This feature first appeared in When Saturday Comes